Snakes

[Life]

The people who you think are not capable of hurting a fly are usually the ones master minding holocausts of friendships. No one really says what they mean. They say enough to keep you aloof; interested. Enough to keep you wanting to know more about them and keep an air of mystery. They are all these roatating manipulated images. Not even real enough to touch. Just being around them becomes this battle for survival. Like playing a game, "who will be infected next?" One game, that I definitely will not enjoy. I would not enjoy becoming false images of understanding and compassion and companionship. I would rather be REAL about it. There is not a situation in life that will be presented to you and be lovely 100% of the time. But enjoying that 80% makes dealing with the 20% of bullshit worth it. 

[LOVE]

...Love is a feeling. an emotion that causes people to display their affection. It is just a feeling just like being happy or upset or jealous. It can be controlled. & people seem to forget that. myself included. I always seem to get myself carried away. constantly trying to display how much I fuck with you out for everyone to scrutinize and give useless, non solicited opinions on. Love or the idea of love drives people fuckin crazy though. Values that were installed within you as a child become forgotten. Pride no longer is the driving force behind your decisions. It takes the backseat and says whaddup to your dignity and gives daps  to your self respect. One thing that I have learned when it comes to matters of the heart is just that; it is just matters of the heart. It should NOT grow to be matters of your mind, body, spirit, soul, ultimately eneveloping your life and crushing your sanity like this 16 foot anaconda I saw the other the day at the aquarium. It should be contained. Yeah it sucks when what you had in mind will never be a reality, but at the same time with each failure there's this one success waiting for you to celebrate with you.

keep it movin shawty

[Bathtub Confessions]

.. I found that people are most honest when you take away their swag; their crutch that reinforces all of the bullshit they feed people on the reg. imagine sitting in a bathtub and having life discussions. how much clarity can you ask for? as I sat in the bathtub I came to one realization, people are fucking weird. Many can claim to be your friend but no one keeps in touch just bc. you can be at a party and say whaddup and have like five of your homies look at you like you're a mystical creature from Harry Potter and shit. Same people who smile in your face are the same ones dating the once upon a  time love of your life behind your back or show up one day on your doorstep recanting stories told by THEM about YOU to make THEMSELVES look better than YOU. Same people who buy outfits everyday trying to impress YOU when in reality you could care less about what THEY have on. Same people who cried when they thought their world was coming down on them tenfold are the same ones kicking dirt on you while you're down. Then theres a situation when YOU come to realize that YOU dont want to go out of YOUR way to look for people who don't and are blatantly not giving a shit about you. Once you start doing that everyone starts thinking you're selfish or self absorbed and don't take a minute to get to the root of your self inflicted isolation. Why? Because THEY dont care and that indirectly reinforces why YOU DONT GIVE A FUCK EITHER. Funny how that works.

Growing Pains

It's been a while. But I feel the need to write a few of my thoughts down. My mind is always racing; racing at this uncontrollable speed. It's this constant fast paced slide show of the same shit. I see the same faces, old and new. I see the same problems, old and new. & I see myself slowly drifting away from whats real and into this constructed shelter. & there I am. In this little cocoon rocking back and forth, trying to keep up with this fucking slide show, trying to slow it down and edit the bad and insert positivity. The theme for my life simply comes down to the word "Transitory". Everything and everyone is transitory. I am always moving and drifting; almost floating through life like those astronauts twirling mid air in their space ships. People come and go and I handle it the same way every time; I bury it. I have grown and have progressed and have realized shit that most people spend their lives trying to find and will most likely die looking for. When it comes to people I omit this invisible "you will never get close to me" aura. & I never realize it. I sit and laugh and create and work and fight and argue and run and run and run and still end up rocking myself back and forth in my little safe cocoon. & you know, maybe I don't want to be in my cocoon anymore. Maybe I want to spread my wings and open my eyes, heart, mind and soul to the idea that this feeling of safety and security is false and constructed and wrong and keeping me from being free. How do I grow when the minerals and nutrients needed to nurture my progression are being poisoned and manipulated by me? Running in fucking circles man.

2011

ok, so I have come to realize that life is what you make it. Although that is really cliche and boring and completely unoriginal. it is true.& most do not realize it until they have hit ground bottom and have to figure out where the fuck to go from there. I pride myself on my optimistic views on life, which, in retrospect, can be pretty jaded. Not everything is what it should be or what it appears. The human mind holds onto memories in times of complete loss whether that loss is internal or external. The mind does that in order to provide a quiet, subconcious reminder of more blissful periods of life. But many times, people can just be griots, a people where memories are just stored. I do not want to live on memories. It is like running on limited fuel, shits gonna run out eventually. I want explore the world and progressively experience what life has to offer in order to some day contribute to life and give others something to look forward to. I have come to realize that dumb things like premature relationships or lustful moments of greed are insignificant. Life is so much more. If an animal in the wild on NatGeo lives a peaceful, eventful life on the golden plains of Africa knowing that at any moment a predator can rip them from all that they have ever known and still run around with no fear, then so can I. I fear no predator & I will fully enjoy the my sun filled days on those golden plains.

Two Sided

So im sitting in a park with my best friend lunchbox looking at these group of guys wrestling on the grass. those kids were content with just playing with each other, no toys needed. basic. simple. Simplicity and two sided reflectons are just good for the soul. sometimes its good to step back and just chill out. experiences mold who we are, good or bad, they just do. but people seem to find it easier to focus on the negative experiences and often harbor resentment towards anything associated with those experiences. its important appreciate the good and the bad. Nothing stays bad forever and these experiences are tools that can be used to push you to where you want to be. dont forget where you come from because youll forget a peice of who you are and that void wont be filled as time goes on. dont stress every detail and try to fight change. change is necessary. imagine where we'd be without evolution? we wouldnt be at all. you live life once. all the time that you waste cursing and dreading the negatives is time you could have spent rolling down hills on summer nights. appreciate all that is around you and i promise that will be the most humbling experience. its good for your sanity guy.

Death in a bottle

why are hangovers so deadly? & it alll begins....you head to a party and people funnel liquor down your throat. you start to feel invincible. like youre on some pink cloud floating on a cloudy night on a warm summer night type shit then....boom! reality has knocked you offf that dumbass cloud because you find yourself spinning in a room, blurred faces like some carnival with scary clowns that are trying to kill you and eat your heart. shit. you get home and try to lay down..whooopssssssie. thats when its all over...............the vomit just pours out of your mouth, spraying like a sprinkler guy. you throw up enough that you finally sleep. but its prob the best seep that youve had in years and the you stand up and see the same carnival clowns..smh

Lies.

The world is legit built on lies. Some lies are smaller than others and other lies can shatter someones world, but everyone lies. People try to please others and make em feel comfortable and they use lies to adjust that comfort levels. Some people are declared liars while others are sneakier and harder to catch. I have lied. and I have realized that lying temporarily relieves my problems. I have lied to my mom and friends and family and teachers and even my dog. I lie because sometimes I can't handle a situation. I lie to justify my actions. I lie to avoid hurting people and at the end of it all , all of those dumbass lies have hurt me the most. I want to climb a building at sunset and stand on top of the roof and yell the truth. I want to yell to my mom the truth about where I have been late at night and what I was up to. I wanna scream the truth about my missing homework to my teachers and I want to scream the truth about how I really see myself to the world and then I want to sip wine and smoke a blunt and be content with the truth that I have found in myself and watch the sun set on my confessions.

Dear Joshua Bennett

I had the honor of seeing Joshua Bennett perform live in November. I sat in that audience, in that cold ass dark room and when he spoke, flushes of gold light and warmth radiated throughout the room and our my minds became interwined with his words of pure sincerity and passion. I sat there as he spit this poem about love. the last lines going like, "Dear unattainable love, if you ever find yourself at a bus stop in brooklyn with a lead havy heart and a craving for wings, write me a love poem on a kite made from paperclips and old cross word puzzles wait for an evening when that sunset is so brazen tha you could fry an egg on it and let it fly adressed to the boy with earthquaked legs signed sincerely the best co-pilot this side of the atmosphere". how could he say those words and not mean it? How could he come up with an image of pure beauuty and fantasy and link it to what love is like for him? If love is sincere and pure and if its anything like Josh depicts it to be, I wouldn't be scared to fall again.